Hey everyone! I’m not gonna lie, I’m really excited to share this week’s story with you and I promise it’s not just because my parents owned up to this being a miss on their part!

The reason I’m so excited is that as I’ve shared this story with friends and family, it has resonated with lots people, whether they’re single, married, or parents! I think it highlights the fact that we all have something to learn, and I think it’ll be another good example of being brave, speaking truth to bullshit and using good communication skills to be curious about others.

To set up the story, a little more about me.

I grew up right outside of DC in Vienna, Virginia. My dad worked in the city and I lived in the same house for my entire life right up until I went to college in Pennsylvania. After four years at Penn State I looked for jobs all over the country, trying to find anything that wasn’t near DC. I had nothing against the city, it was a good place to grow up, I just wanted to experience something new. The job market in 2009 wasn’t particularly great though, and the only job offer I received that I was particularly interested in happened to be in Maryland just outside of the beltway. If that wasn’t enough, the rental place that I ended up in was not just in my old neighborhood, but literally 2 blocks from the house I grew up in.

So much for experiencing new places!

Over the next 5 or 6 years though, after a move from the rental in VA into a row home in the city, DC grew into a place that I now love to call home. I found my favorite restaurants, and regular hangout spots where owners, chefs and bartenders eventually knew me by name. I found a church community I loved, and a music and art scene that feeds my creative side.

As I was getting settled into my life in DC, my family was spread across the US. My parents had moved to Indiana when I went to college, my sister had settled with her family in Pennsylvania, my younger brother was in Michigan and then settled in Seattle with his wife. The only local family I had was my older brother, his wife and their four kids living in Northern VA.

This meant that opportunities to hang with the whole family came around only once or twice a year, one for the beach tradition I talked about in the origins post, and the other around the winter holidays. In and around those big family get togethers, my parents would occasionally make the drive east to visit the three of us kids that lived over this way. When they were in town I would often make it a priority to drive out to the suburbs to my brother’s house to eat dinner, do Sunday church, or maybe attend a kid’s activity.

While I cherished this time with my parents, my brother, and his family (I wasn’t always great making it out there sans a parent visit), something started to seem off. It took me a while to put a finger on it, and when I say a while, I mean at least a year or two. Eventually though I figured out that this unsettled feeling in my heart stemmed from feeling unseen in the visits by my parents. The more I was falling in love with DC and it became my home, the less it felt like my parents were actually coming to visit me if it meant I always had to drive to the suburbs.

The more I was falling in love with DC and it became my home, the less it felt like my parents were actually coming to visit me if it meant I always had to drive to the suburbs.

To put it another way, I realized my parents weren’t really getting to see me in my natural environment. There were so many restaurants, bars, and music venues that I had come to love. There were so many friends that I wanted them to meet, or parks and hangouts I wanted to share with them. Their visits to the suburbs didn’t allow for me to share the life I had built with them.

After this growth in self-awareness, I didn’t really know what to do next. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it or seem like a needy child. So, I started dropping hints like a boss, and not just to my parents. I’d send texts or say things like:

“Hey parents, there’s this really great restaurant I’d love to take you guys to!”

“Hey siblings, there’s this jazz club I like, would you want to do an adult date night?”

“Hey, I’ve got a spare bedroom for a bit, you should totally make the trek in and explore the city with me!”

I got some positive responses, a few nibbles, and at least one bite that resulted in a fun night with my brother and sister-in-law at the Bohemian Tavern before it shut down.

Not much changed with my parents though. They’d give me a heads up, drive to my brother’s house in Vienna, we’d all hang out, and then we’d say goodbye till next time.

I really tried to just let it go, but it ate away at me more and more. Once again, I found myself fighting a false narrative. It was really tempting to buy in to a story that my parents valued my siblings more cause they had spouses and grandkids, and it was hard not to fight that lie on my own. That narrative took on many forms in my inner monologue with thoughts like:

“It’s SO obvious that I want them to visit me, do I really have to spell it out for them? I get it that it’s logistically more reasonable for me as a single person to travel to the family of 6, so what if they don’t respond with kindness and understanding? What if I spell out this feeling and they don’t respond the way I’d want them to?”

Even though I tried, I couldn’t quiet this inner monologue on my own so I knew something needed to be done.

Finally, one evening when I was catching up with my parents on the phone I built up enough courage to broach the subject.

I remember feeling terrified in that moment. I remember the emotions welling up and barely being able to talk. I honestly can’t remember the words that I used, but after telling them there was something I wanted to talk to them about, I said something like, “I know you probably don’t mean to for this to happen, but when you don’t visit me in DC it’s really hard to not feel like I matter less because I’m not married, or don’t have kids.”

I do remember my mom only being able to get out the words, “Oh David” before she choked up on emotions. She wasn’t the only one that did that night.

I can remember the weight lifting off me in that moment.

I can remember the richness of being seeing and known and that memory continues to wreck me to this day when I think about the realness of it.

I’m tempted to just end this story there cause it seems like a nice clean place to leave it, but life is seldom clean.

We had to go on from that moment, into more complicated territory about expectations, and practical realities that were part of my initial fear going into the conversation. We had to discuss that it really was logistically easier for me to come out to the suburbs which meant it wasn’t really realistic for there to be an exact 50/50 split of city and suburbs visits. We were able to talk through a lot of that though, and for me, I was just proud of myself for stepping into the ring, and I was so thankful that they saw me in my need. It never would have happened had I not taken that initial risk though.

It never would have happened had I not taken that initial risk though.

I can happily report that my parents have since stayed at my house multiple times. I’ve gotten to show them some of my favorite restaurants and they’ve met a lot of my friends. I’ve even gotten to host my whole family (or at least 14 of the 16) at my house in the city for a dinner (yeah, it was cramped, but so much fun). Those moments would have been sweet in their own right even without that phone conversation that night, but they mean that much more to me now that I know there’s an intentionality to meet me and love me where I am.

It’s stories like this one that influence a first question I ask of friends when they’re telling me about miscommunication in any sort of relationship.

“Does the other person know this is making you feel this way?”

Now, it’s not always appropriate to share the way you’re feeling with someone else. There is a time and place for everything, and there are many reasons it wouldn’t be the right call to make yourself vulnerable to someone. What I do know is that it has been worth it for me to start with answering that question when I feel myself getting more and more upset with someone else.  In answering the question, I really try to not be deterred with distractions that sound like, “well they have to know, I’ve made it so obvious!” Cause listen, it took me longer than a year to realize that my parents not visiting me in the city was bothering me and then figure out why. If it takes me that long to figure that out internally, I think I can afford to extend some grace to people who aren’t me.

….. it took me longer than a year to realize that my parents not visiting me in the city was bothering me and then figure out why. If it takes me that long to figure that out internally, I think I can afford to extend some grace to people who aren’t me.

So what’s a takeaway from all this? I may not always have a clear and concise takeaway for you, but this week, a few different people could probably use a few different promptings:

If you’re a single person and you’re frustrated that someone you care about isn’t responding the way you’d like them to. I’d suggest you ask yourself why it’s bothering you so much, then consider asking that person/people whether they’re aware their actions are impacting you like they are. If that seems super scary, maybe try walking it through with a friend or trusted mentor. Try to keep the accusatory language out of it, and focus on how you’re interpreting the situation (step 4 from last week), and if you can, mention some positive outcomes you’d love to come from the conversation.

If you’re a parent, ask yourself or have a conversation with your spouse whether it’s possible that the excitement of newly weds, grandkids, or just simple logistics could have caused you to act in a way that could cause any of your other kids to feel less valuable. If the answer is yes, you could start with asking you kid if it that’s actually what’s happening, apologize if they confirm your suspicion, and finally be willing to discuss a way you can meet each other better. If the answer is no or a maybe, it might still be worth asking them, their answer might surprise you, at the very least it’ll mean a lot to them that you’re interested in knowing.

If you’re not a parent, and not single, hopefully there’s some part of my story that helps broaden or deepen your idea of meeting those around you where they are.

Anyway, that’s what I have for you this week. I hope something resonated with you!

~ David

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