So as I was preparing to share last week’s origins story, I had a plan for what the second blog was going to be about. Right before I posted that first story though, my mom called and we had a conversation that sparked an idea that I knew needed to come next.

Every good plan is made to be broken right?

Based on the discussion I had with my mom, I feel the need to highlight and expound upon something that we brushed past last week. I realized it would be good to discuss how communication works so that we can use that foundation to help us identify and own our responsibility in conversations. Having this basic foundation can help us grow in our own communications skills including responding to others in grace, and not taking ownership of actions we don’t actually have control over. The good news is that this conversation is actually the perfect foundation for this blog as well as interlude between last week and next week!

A bit of preface is needed before we begin. As I alluded to above, prior to publishing last week’s post, I sent it to my mom so she could read over what I had written. Obviously this wasn’t the first time we’d talked about her email. We had even discussed that I might start a blog with the same name. Still, I wanted her to have the opportunity to read what I had written before it went public so she could have time to process and provide feedback if necessary.

Shortly after sending her the post, I got a text from her, asking whether we could talk about something that she just couldn’t resolve on her own. We ended up on an hour-long phone call (which surprises no one that knows either of us, we like talking).

We covered a lot of ground, but we focused on the fact that the way I brought up the miscommunication caused her to at least feel like she was being assigned the blame for the “miss”. She assured me that she understood why her words had struck me the way they did, and she was very interested to know how either of us could have done better, but wanted to talk about responsibility, and how much sensitivity is necessary before one speaks. As soon she was able to verbalize those thoughts, I recognized the truth in them. We had a great conversation, and then I spent some time editing the words before I published last week’s story.

I was so glad she brought this up though, as this is such an important topic that often gets overlooked or mishandled. Because of this, I think a lot of people end up over-analyzing every word they say with the hopes they’ll never offend someone. Maybe not I guess, maybe it’s only my mom and I. Maybe everyone else never wrestles with trying to find the perfect words so they won’t offend someone, but I don’t think so. If we don’t deal with both sides of the communication equation, it becomes really easy to feel like you can’t say anything because you’re paralyzed by the fear you’ll offend someone, and they could react poorly. I know it’s easy for me to end up there.

I think a lot of people end up over-analyzing every word they say with the hopes they’ll never offend someone.

How do we stop this from happening? To start, we need to know the basics of communication. So, for those of you that weren’t communications majors or didn’t take any communications classes (I’m totally in that group) the 5 steps to all communication (as explained by Richard Nordquist) are:

1. Sender encodes message (I pick words to use)
2. Sender selects medium (in person convo, email, text, phone call, facetime etc)
3. Receiver receives message (you read, listen, watch etc)
4. Receiver decodes message (your brain interprets what you are reading, listening to and adds meaning)
5. Receiver provides feedback (optional) – (you make a face, say something, walk away, stand there silently, rage against the machine… who knows)

Makes perfect sense right? No?

Ok, yeah, it wasn’t super clear for me either until I walked through an example, so let’s walk through the example from last week:

1. As sender my mom encoded her message. This message was (and I only know now because of follow-up conversations) something like, “I want David to not feel left out or all alone cooking and providing as a single person”. She encoded that message into the words I quoted last week that included “…David, in his current situation…”
2. My mom selected an email as the medium.
3. As the receiver, I received the email message in my inbox and read the words.
4. As I read the words, my brain decoded the message.
5. I had the option of providing feedback. Of responding, or not responding with how I received my decoded version of my mom’s message

So there you have it, a quick comms 101 lesson!

Now that I’ve written this out though, can you tell where the message got off-track?

For me, it’s pretty clear. Step 4 is where the message went awry. What’s convicting for me is that step is all on the receiver. That’s all me.

When we are decoding messages we almost instantaneously and subconsciously tell a story to create meaning and THAT STORY provokes emotion.

Now, before I go any further there’s a couple important subtleties that are worth pointing out. This becomes really important as you apply these steps to figure out where miscommunication has happened in another story so stick with me.

First, for me and my mom, hindsight is 20/20, and my relationship with my mom is pretty strong, so I can say with pretty high confidence that my Mom didn’t mean to send a hurtful message (which would have been a miss in step 1). This is definitely not always the case. Abusive, manipulative, and destructive relationships where people send messages to hurt are very real.

Second, and maybe a bit more relevant to this story, she didn’t use a word or phrase that has the type of history that she could/should have reasonably known would trigger me. “My current situation” doesn’t carry with it any obvious negative connotations like discrimination or abuse. As we know, this most certainly isn’t always the case though. There are plenty of words, phrases, and actions that can’t be taken at surface level because of their historical context.

So, what happened on my end as I decoded the message? why did I come to such a negative conclusion?

It’s a relatively simple concept that has dramatically helped me in communicating well with others. I first read it in the book Crucial Conversations and it has been pure gold for me ever since. When we are decoding messages we almost instantaneously and subconsciously tell a story to create meaning and THAT STORY provokes emotion. The story that my brain told me in the moment is that the only reason my mom wouldn’t speak the word “single” is because it’s shameful. For a moment I bought into it too and there’s a reason for that. With all of societies overt and covert messaging, my own baggage, and mental state in the moment it’s hard not to have the hard-wired belief that there is something wrong or shameful about being single. I only had a moment to catch that thought and correct it. Building up that skill has taken a lot of practice, and I glossed over all of this last week when I said, “luckily I was in a place to receive it.”

With all of societies overt and covert messaging, my own baggage, and mental state in the moment it’s hard not to have the hard-wired belief that there is something wrong or shameful about being single.

What I meant by that was, I was rested enough. I was well fed. I had worked out recently and I had been practicing catching these types of lies enough to respond and speak truth. In this specific instance that meant saying, “no, I know my mom, and that’s not what she meant. Even if it was, I know it’s not shameful to be single.”

I think this is what Brene Brown would refer to as speaking truth to bullshit (sorry mom for using that word, I’m just quoting Brene!).

Which brings me to step 5, my response. This is super important: I had the option to say something or not say something. I had the option to get mad about it and accuse her of not being sensitive enough. As soon as I recognized I was having to speak truth to BS, I could have concluded that she shouldn’t have put me in a position that required me to speak truth to BS. Let’s be real though, in this instance, that would be neglecting my own responsibility in the conversation and blame-shifting to her. I knew it was going to take vulnerability to say something to my mom, and I knew I was the only one that could make that decision because she had no idea what story I was having to fight in my own head. Which brings me to…

In my own work to speak truth to BS, it’s completely my decision to bring someone else into that space if I need help in delineating truth and BS. Often though, the other person is the only one that can provide the ground truth. That process, of deciding whether something is worth bringing up or not, and the different ways that can be done will be highlighted in next week’s story.

Let’s end today’s post with a few takeaways though:

1. Learning how communication happens is really important to improve your communication.

• This takes time, no one does it perfectly (you, or anyone else), so live in grace and patience to grow in this skillset.

• Learning requires practice, and practice requires vulnerability and that can get messy. Sorry, it’s just truth.

• Finally, it’s SO WORTH IT.

The relationships I have today are unlike any I’ve ever had. They have grown so deep and fruitful in a way that I’ve never experienced before. Even though I still experience loneliness, I am lonely less and I can process it more healthily.

Even though I still experience loneliness, I am lonely less and I can process it more healthily.

So, that’s it. A bit of a Comms 101 lesson with some Crucial Conversation and Brene Brown thrown in for good measure. Hope you took something from it and can apply it to your life this week. Let me know if you do!

‘Till next time!

~David