Welcome back! Sorry for the extended time between posts. I spent entirely too long trying to decide where I wanted to go with this next post and used that thought as an excuse to procrastinate.

This is going to be essentially a part 2 of the last post so if you didn’t read it, it’s probably a good idea to do so before this one. This will make a little more sense.

Picking up where we left off, I wanted to share a bit more of the story after that moment  in the conference center, and how it sparked an interest that has become a passion. I have become endlessly curious about how we connect with those around us in meaningful ways. Furthermore, I’ve become convinced that so much of life circles around this human connection, and we don’t talk nearly enough about healthy ways of doing it.

I’ve become convinced that so much of life circles around this human connection, and we don’t talk nearly enough about healthy ways of doing it

That moment at the conference didn’t spur on any immediate action for me, but it has been a powerful reminder to me that it not only is it possible, but it is easy to fake community, and by faking community, while it can temporarily mask an immediate need, it doesn’t reap the rewards that deeper authentic community can bring.

Now, after that conference I didn’t immediately drop everything, run to the bookstore, and pick up every book on relational dynamics I could (that happened later), but that moment laid a seed in my heart. I actually started dating someone the next month and eventually ended up in a situation that was eerily similar to the previous relationship. I felt no peace about continuing down a path past the serious girlfriend level. Even after that relationship ended though, it took one more moment to shake me to my core and get me out of a rut I was in.

I was at my own 29^th birthday party when I was asked by a close friend, “What was the most memorable part of the past year for you?”

We were talking in a group of 4-5 people and I started to mentally scroll through the previous year of my life. I had been busy the last year so I didn’t expect it to take long to land on something that stuck out, but as the seconds ticked by, nothing came to mind. Right around the time I realized I couldn’t think of a single moment that was actually memorable and I was starting to panic, I was saved by another friend who broke the silence by saying something that diverted the conversation away from the unanswered question.

While I had escaped the awkwardness in the moment, I couldn’t forget the question, and even more so, I couldn’t escape a thought that the moment brought to light. If I had lived a whole year of my life with nothing that made me excited enough to answer a question like that… what was I doing?

Around this time, my friend and I decided to read the book Scary Close together. In one flight up and back from Connecticut, I read, cried, laughed, sighed, and sobbed my way through the whole thing. If you haven’t read it, I would encourage you to do so. It’s a great story, well-written, and an easy and quick read. If I were to sum up my takeaways from the book with a few points, it would be something like:

1. We are designed for connection and community (although for each of us connection and community can look different)

2. We often go about trying to achieve this community/connection by proving our worthiness to others (once again, this can take on many different forms)

3. This tactic doesn’t actually create real connection. It’s just a performance and we mistake the applause received as connection.

4. Real connection requires vulnerability and intimacy, which opens us up to hurt, and we don’t like that.

This book acted as a catalyst (with a few others filling in as more sustainable fuel) that stirred up something in me that wouldn’t allow me to live the same kind of life I had been living. It shifted what relationships I pursue, and how I interact with those around me. It’s even shifted how I prioritize the activities in my life. To put it simply, it reassured me that my desire for community and connection was real and healthy, and at the same time convicted me that I hadn’t always been going about them in a healthy way.

..it reassured me that my desire for community and connection was real and healthy, and at the same time convicted me that I hadn’t always been going about them in a healthy way.

Now this may seem like a rabbit hole meant to distract you from the question I couldn’t answer about my most memorable moment, but trust me, they’re connected. I’ll try to tie them together with another story that I think will resonate.

About a year ago, I was driving home from work and I had this pit of my stomach anxiety well up in me. It was a Thursday, and I was driving home without any plans for the evening. My gut reaction to this anxiousness was to reach for my phone to text like 5 of my friends to see if I could find something last minute to fill the void and push the feeling away (If you haven’t seen this Louis C.K. bit and are ok with some profanity… watch this).

I’ve lived with myself long enough (and had enough therapy) that I caught myself by asking a question. “What’s so wrong about being at home alone on a Thursday night?” The anxiety in me was quick to provide a number of answers with thoughts about being lame, not being active or out in society, but the one that hit closest to home for me was, “how will you ever meet that special someone if you’re just sitting at home all the time?”

I knew it was complete BS. I almost laughed. I stopped reaching for my phone (looking at your phone and driving is dangerous kids), tried to embrace the uncomfortable feeling, and when I got home, I forced myself to write down a list of the things I had done the past couple of weeks.

As I started writing down the list, I DID start laughing at myself. The list proved that the thoughts I had encountered in the car were ridiculous. My list literally included a Tuesday morning at the White House getting to see the President of the United States greet the President of France. If that wasn’t enough, there were a couple concerts, not to mention house show I hosted, multiple nights out watching CAPs playoffs games with friends, and a number of bike rides, swim practices, church services and brunches. Like, in what world is that a “lame” couple of weeks?

A quick aside before I carry on: my intent with this list is not to rub my life events in your face, but rather highlight that even if your life is filled with awesome events, you will still have moments of loneliness and anxiety that you have to cope with, and if you don’t establish healthy coping mechanisms you will always be searching for more social events and bigger, crazier more Instagram-worthy moments to fill that void with likes, comments, and compliments. I’m here to tell you, these won’t fill that void.

So where was that anxiety about spending a single night at home (that I probably needed) coming from anyway? Well, I think a lot of it has to do with how much I compare myself to others and what I expose myself to. (“well if THEY found love, or if THEIR life looks this amazing on social media”). If I dig a little deeper there, I think this anxiety is sourced from my own feeling of self worth, and what I think I need to do to prove to everyone around me that I’m worthy of connection or community. Let’s think back to the question that hit home for me, “How will I meet this special someone if I’m not out doing something cool?” While there is some truth to it (probably won’t meet anyone hanging out on my couch binge-watching Netflix), there is a bigger lie that my list of events prove my worth. If this is true, then if I’m not always on, or out, I won’t be worthy enough of whoever it is when I meet them.

if I’m not always on, or out, I won’t be worthy enough of whoever it is when I meet them.

Now, it might still not be obvious, so let me spell out the connection to not being able to answer a question about my most memorable part of life.

That year, I had spent so much time and energy on things that I thought mattered, but really didn’t. I spent a lot of time and energy on building status in work, volunteering at church and in community, traveling places and picking up cool hobbies etc etc etc.

Doing these things are not bad but it’s the heart that matters.

If I’m being honest, a lot of times I was doing them so I could put them on a resume or a dating profile to prove my worthiness. I wasn’t always doing them because I was responding to a conviction or drive in my heart. So, when it came to answering a question about the most memorable moment, I had nothing. Nothing stood out because most of what I had done either didn’t actually resonate with who I was, or I hadn’t paused to make those things intentional. I was so emotionally disconnected from the things in my life because it had become a performance to gain applause from those around me. My experience in this though, is that when you live to add things to your worthiness, the great irony is you can end up feeling worthless.

I was so emotionally disconnected from the things in my life because it had become a performance to gain applause from those around me. My experience in this though, is that when you live to add things to your worthiness, the great irony is you can end up feeling worthless.

The point here is that you don’t have to have a packed calendar, travel to all 50 states, do/be/experience XYZ to be worthy of connection and community. You are worthy because of the character that is inside you already. Do the work to bring that character out of you, and you won’t be disappointed. It won’t always be sunshine and rainbows. Actually a lot of times it’s ugly and painful. Showing resilience and building that confidence in your character doesn’t come easy. Again, I’m also not saying that traveling and concerts, and seeing Presidents visit are bad things. The problem comes when and if you’re relying on them to improve your self-worth. This is when you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. This life is about creating and cultivating healthy community, not collecting material wealth, social status, or even Instagram-worthy experiences. It’s about figuring out what makes you come alive, and responding to those things.

I want to continue to dig in to how to do this well even when this can sometimes feel like waging an all-out war on what our culture tells us is important. I know that I’m not the only one feeling this way or trying to fight this battle and I definitely don’t have the answers or the solutions to it all. I also know that good things happen when people feel comfortable to share their experiences and learn from them.

This is where you come in. I’d love to hear from you on how you’re pulling out your own character in the midst of the chaos and distractions of this world. Please leave a comment or send me a message if you don’t feel comfortable sharing publicly with how you are trying to find yourself and bring that to the world. I know this might make you a bit uncomfortable, believe me, I get it. As some encouragement, I’ve found that writing these things down can be an important step in the right direction and sharing them in a safe environment can bring even better things.

Thank you for reading, and thanks in advance for sharing if you feel so led.

Until next time.

~David

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